lpool rants about why he has been hostile and says he is sorry.

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lpool rants about why he has been hostile and says he is sorry.

Post by lpool1996moh on Fri Jul 12, 2013 6:23 pm

well this is general chat where people post random shit so its about time i did.........and i feel i have too. 

over recent weeks i have been getting more and more aggressive. i have started numerous "Debates" often leaving a bad taste in everyone's mouth. so i guess i should explain why i have been so angry. its because my life sucks......WARNING RANT/BORING LIFE STORY FOLLOWS


i guess it started....whenever i went paintballing sometime a couple of years ago back when i thought every forum was like 4chan i.e. bad. timeframes are unimportant. its the repercussions. i had a spat with my friends which led to me being stuck in the house for a month. nobody wanted to go somewhere with me. when i apologised they already had new rather unlikeable/overwhelmingly stupid groups of friends. so despite being on semi good terms again, although i was now the butt of most jokes (I was anyway but moreso than normal) i was still cooped up inside.

school rolls around and is well school. all stars hype starts and i end up on here after awhile. have a couple of months hyping all stars and then i got bad news. my grand mother on my dads side had fallen very ill. she wasn't given long, measured in weeks. my dad understandably goes on edge, and on the drink more than normal (He still only drinks out once a week and at home every other day on a weekend. so friday-sunday and never that bad, at least for ireland and i assume everywhere else. so thats a non issue.) and starts visits every friday over night to her house, dragging one of us (Me and my two sisters) with him. it wasn't that bad in terms of going its what i met there. everytime my grandmother was more and more broken. you could see her withering away. yet somehow she was still playful and all stars came and went and she was still alive. 

in that time my families finances kinda got worse (I'm not allowed talk about this to anyone irl, but i'm safe here.) my 17th birthday came and went and i found myself loaning out all the money my parents gave me back to my parents. this is why i haven't got the last of us. its very hard to find a job so i don't have one, and every two weeks when my mother gets paid in the job she is taking as well as my dads pay and i have a chance of getting it back, an unexpected bill pops up and we are lucky to have dinner on the table every day. i don't mind not having the money back and not having the game, but i got an insight into just how bad things are. and keep in mind we are considered well off by the standards in our country right now. and all this time my grandmother is deteriorating and my dad gets worse and worse, in terms of edginess. not to mention my sister who had a bullying/suicide scare and had to move schools started behaving very badly. i tired helping but everyone was so on edge that forgetting to do something small resulted in my mother yelling at me like i blew up an orphanage. fortunately she started to calm down after i confronted her, but my sisters behaviour got worse, and my grandmother sicker still. my dad stopped bring us to see her over night. on a visit for my 90 year old great uncles birthday, i had to help my aunt put her in a chair so she could rest. it was picking up this small defeated woman and feeling the dead weight i realised just how bad she was. 

so why is this relevant. up until about a week ago i have been fine! but for yet another time, about the third, my grandmother is given weeks to live, two to be exact. something is different this time. its not that my aunt was coming home from canada, that had happened before. no my dad took leave from work and stayed with his sisters (All four of them....poor guy) to over see his second parent as she grew worse and make sure she was okay. it was during this visit that his car got broken into, like our rental in florida. (I believe i mentioned that one) except instead of stealing the contents they tried to steal the whole thing. instead they ran away as the police and my dad were closing in fucking a spanner and a ratchet at my dad in the process. my dad cam home two days ago for a bundle of clothes. my entire household braced itself barely moving almost going through the motions as we waited.

and after months of suffering this morning my grandmother finally passed away. 

as i said to a certain user before the repercussions of this are more painful than the event itself. maybe it was the horrible noises i heard coming from my mother and youngest sister as they broke down at the lose of one of the most lovable women we have ever known. maybe it was the worry that my dad might go overboard in grief in alcohol or in anger (Ironically he seems more docile now). maybe its the fact that i may have to carry the coffin at the funeral. maybe its the worry over the finances as we barely stay afloat and my day on unsanctioned leave with my mother following suit for the past week. maybe its my own grief, as instead of crying i cope by comforting others, and seemingly ranting on the internet. but things just look really bleak right now. and then in twelve months i'm done with second level school (High school i guess for americans...idk) and have the biggest test of my life. i honestly don't know.

so why did i type this out? i guess just to explain why i have been more hostile and to say sorry. i have been sad and its not fair this forum has to suffer. about the debates i had......i can't give my post mortem emotions because they are in flux right now (Half of me wants to angrily defend everything and half of me wants to take it all back) but i do know i want to apologize for my attitude. i have been making less and less sense lately..probably due to lack of sleep and stress. so the point of this article is not sympathy which i see people looking for when they write this kind of stuff, or looking to turn a horrible life story into a laugh. its just an apology note with context. 

so once again i'm sorry. i'll try to be less hostile and i promise by thursday i should be back to normal....i hope. 

also if you don't care for what i wrote and wanna post about how you may think my intentions in posting this are different from what i stated........please don't. i'm just not up for that shit right now.
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Re: lpool rants about why he has been hostile and says he is sorry.

Post by Pyro-Hem on Fri Jul 12, 2013 7:08 pm

For most people, it makes them feel better when they talk to somebody about what's up in life. All the problems and whatnot. Better to get it out of your system rather than keep it locked away, where it will eventually grow worse over time.

Anyway, Sorry for your family's loss man.
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Re: lpool rants about why he has been hostile and says he is sorry.

Post by DP on Fri Jul 12, 2013 7:28 pm

I'm sure everybody understands, dude.  I know I do.  I mean, I've had some similar situations occur in the past year or so, albeit in some cases to a lesser extent (and others to a greater one).  Notably, you'll probably see your dad calm down slightly overall now.  When my (step-?)grandmother died, my stepdad was obviously broken about it - the only time I can recall him crying - but it wasn't as bad as before, when he like your father had to watch his mother deteriorate.  I mean, the worse part was that she was absolutely fine until she slipped on a piece of some really weird satin-like carpet at Target and broke a lot of bones.  That's what pretty much directly led to her dying a few months later, because she lost her mobility which was one of the key things she had left.  If there's any sort of solace to that, the court case against Target was settled some time ago, and the money from that should help out my family a great deal financially.  Of course, that sounds terrible, but I'm sure you get the context behind that and get what I mean.

Anyway, the point here is, most of us here have some way to relate to what you've said, and I can safely say that we all understand. Edit: And as Pyro said, getting it out does do wonders. I was one of those "keep shit locked up" guys until I got close with my now-girlfriend. I mean, I sunk back into that recently, and that's really fucked some shit up, but the LP channel did a huge wonder to kickstart me back into a happy, productive mood. Not the point here. Getting it out should help you cope possibly better than anything else, really.
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Re: lpool rants about why he has been hostile and says he is sorry.

Post by lpool1996moh on Fri Jul 12, 2013 11:05 pm

sorry for the late reply just trying to put thanks into words......i've come up with thank you..........thats about it. i'm no good at this "hides under desk"
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Re: lpool rants about why he has been hostile and says he is sorry.

Post by Count Mario on Sat Jul 13, 2013 12:21 am

I really don't know what to say. I can at least assure you that I honestly never sensed a change in you recently, and I mean that in a positive way, so this personally came as a surprise to me. But if you do truly feel that your recent behavior has been regrettable, then I won't try to patronize your concerns. In fact, I personally feel ashamed that I even feels slightly moved by what goes on daily and have to view a perspective like yours, which I could barely relate to. Although, don't let that make you think that I don't have problems or I'm just some spoiled kid, my life is far from that and I still have some internal struggles and problems. However, that's not really the point right now.

Like others have said before, it's much more reassuring and comforting to reveal your internal problems with an online community that you feel that you've bonded to over time. I don't mean to go back to talking about myself again, but it's only to give an example. For you see, I don't live near where I go to school or where my friends and family live, so at home I have virtually no one to talk to except my parents. They're fine parents and I wouldn't trade them for anyone or anything in the world, I assure you, but everybody needs various sources to relate and confess to in order to feel he most comfortable (depending on the situation). So unless I'm at a cousin's house or talking to a best friend (ever since I got into high school, I have a lot of buddies, but no true or best friends at all), I tend to bottle it all up and help out pretty much everybody I know with their problems. I tend to think of myself as some sort of key that connects to everybody I know, because for some reason, they tend to go to me whenever they've got problems and let out their woes. In which I do very much appreciate that. Their stories even tend to help comfort me and grant me bigger self-esteem than the low points I most oftenly have. But still, I rarely am able to talk about major issues and situations with other people, and when I do, most of the time they just blow it off or barely respond.

That was, until I came across forums. Due to being a gamer, comic geek, anime guy, etc. it was almost the most fruitful realization I ever personally had. It helped me break out of the shell that I would have in real life. It wasn't until that I came across the All-Stars official forum (or rather, the PA Stadium community in particular) that I wouldn't leave the forum after the game came out. On the other forums I'd go to, there would be, say, only one or two people I would mainly PM with often and I got personal once in a while, but that's it. With this community though... it felt different. It wasn't like the other ones. This forum is practically a closely bound circle of friends or even family that has each other's back for both fun and hard times. The only problem is that we lead ourselves to try and bury what we have to say regarding subjects that are personal mainly because society these days tends to portray these objects such as the internet to be untrustworthy, a waste of time, you won't find friends like in real life, etc. I mean, don't get me wrong, I still have a few best friends, but that's really it. And even less than the total are even nerds in general, and none are certainly close to my honest gaming standards. But even then, I barely see them anyways, as I stated before. This community allows me to both have fun and allows me to dig deep with many people that I'm comfortable with. Sure, not everybody has to have the exact same perspective, but that's how I've felt, and I personally stand by it no matter how cheesy or absurd it might sound.

So never EVER feel that you don't have anybody to talk to. That is, I'll admit, to be much easier to say then to actually follow up with though. You have to strive to keep that ideal within your mind though. Believe, I've been through it, and whenever you try to put your feelings out there on a place like this, it always feels like an awkward and stressful period where it's almost like you're waiting for results on whether you have cancer or an STD. But at least 8-90% of the time, you're bound to get honest and positive results. 

Going back to your issues though, I can't ever relate to the issues you mentioned regarding your family's near-poverty-esque state. I'm not trying to pity you by saying this, but that is terrifying. And even that description is far from an accurate depiction what it must be like for you. Although my mom is most likely going to lose her bus driving job in a few months and plenty of people from my dad's workplace (he works at a prison as an executive assistant to the warden) have been laid off, but for the latter it's mainly due to their own faults. Regarding your situation with your grandmother, I can at least somewhat relate. Now I'll get straight to the point, my grandmothers on either of my parent's sides haven't died. However, I saw a very similar sadness in my dad when my great grandmother died. I never met her, and it was for about a week, but she would be all he would talk about and he would often visit her. But then one night, some time after she died, he was just on his computer looking up pictures with her and just started talking to me. And then one thing led to another, and he started crying, and then I started crying, and we were hugging each other. Regarding my grand mother though, the one on my mother's side seemingly withers exactly in the same way you described your grandmother. She can barely walk and has to maneuver herself into a wheelchair for just bearable moving speed. Not to mention that everyday, she always does the same thing. Just plays with a bunch of her puzzles and watches Spanish channels on tv. It doesn't just scare me that her life seems monotonous and almost like she's just waiting for death (that's how I personally feel), but the thought of my life potentially ending up like that. And seeing her everyday, with her cheerful attitude while she often gets concerned about subjects and others while me and my family often have to help her just feels horrible. Especially since I've been the younger relative besides her own children that she's babied since I was born the most. And I see her everyday I come home from school because I have to walk back to my grandmother's house while I wait for my parents to pick me up. I'm personally scared of what'll happen if she passes away. Not even scared, just... mystified. It would likely be he first ever death I've experienced from somebody close to me. As for my father, he often drinks at celebrations and stuff, and he's often gotten into some nasty problems and situations with me (not just because he's drunk, that part is meant to be separate from the former activity) over the past few years. It's almost like a cycle. We're doing some ordinary chore or just being with each other, a little problem or a distasteful act from either side gives rise to a big argument, I have to confront him and stand my ground, he stays respectful yet says some pretty hurtful sometimes (and sometimes I do that back to him, which I often regret), after a while we calm down and listen to each other, we may or may not cry, and it always ends with us hugging it out. but it's happened so many times that I almost believe our relationship is dysfunctional in the sense that it won't get much improved than this. But I'm not looking at that as really something negative, I'm just being realistic. The fact that I have to always stand by is that both me and him have to keep our love and concerns for each other intact, or else a situation might rise where we might not talk for years. And I've been through that with a few of my friends, except it's for months. Still, my problems aren't yours and I'm not trying to make them the same. I just thought that I'd give some examples that seemed to circulate around the general topics you discussed, I guess.

Enough of me monologuing about my life in your thread though. I tried not to do it and I guess that I justify it by trying to relate to you, but deep down I think that I just subtly used it as  an excuse to break out too. I could get a whole lot more specific though, believe me. Thank you for your apology, although I do feel like that specifically was not needed (in my perspective, and don't take that in a way that correlates to saying that there was no point of this thread's existence). If anything, I regret not trying to talk to you more about it. You mentioned that something was up in a vague manner on a PM and I tried to console you with a few measly "hope you get better" lines, but in hindsight that was utterly pathetic and disgraceful on my part of being a friend. I should've tried to help you reach out and talk more about it. I don't mean to belittle you or anything by saying this, but if anything, I am sorry.
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Re: lpool rants about why he has been hostile and says he is sorry.

Post by lpool1996moh on Sat Jul 13, 2013 12:42 am

It'd be interesting to see which of our posts was longer...lol.

nah its fine venting is venting. And hell I'm still lucky. Although one half of my family has lost my grandparents the other half has both In Tact. And this has been coming...I dunno guess everything came to a head at once. I just kinda snapped easier...which is funny my irl edict with my family has been pretty good. Like I said I comfort my way through guilt. My mother works when she greives but she broke down whilst putting a wash on and I made her feel better. I did something similar when she went into shock after a car crash and I literally held her eyes open. She says I saved her life....I dunno bout that but made me better.

The povertyesque thing...my mother manages stuff well buying lots in our biweekly good week's. yet she still buys candles??? 

but really my mood of late is so much crashing down at once. This is hopefully the climax of that. although count your talented if you haven't notice ill give you that much.
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Re: lpool rants about why he has been hostile and says he is sorry.

Post by Count Mario on Sat Jul 13, 2013 1:12 am

I copied and pasted each of our comments on Microsoft Word. You typed up 1185 words. I typed up 1669. Just thought that I should let you know. XD

You can't go wrong with buying candles. My mom practically has enough to last months, and it really comes in handy during power outages. It's good that she has a handle on it though. Sorry if using the word "poverty" was a string term, I just didn't know how else to really describe it.

But you "snapping easier", I very much disagree with that. If anything, you seemed like the one person who handled these events with the most control. Not that I'm trying to make it seem like you weren't affected or that you're over-exaggerating your situation at all, I just feel that you shouldn't cut yourself short. Not to mention that being able to comfort despite holding guilt is a valuable trait. Your mood will pick up eventually, but trust me, when it comes you won't be able to notice it at first.

And believe me, I'm not talented. I feel that way often, but in reality, I'm not. I tend to really fail at everything and have weird sense of thinking and action. I'm not even being modest either. I'm just glad that somehow I'm able to talk to people like you.
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Re: lpool rants about why he has been hostile and says he is sorry.

Post by dragonfire111 on Sat Jul 13, 2013 10:02 am

thats some tough stuff man ive had a pretty messed up time too
first moving out of my parents house was stressful then 3 relatives die within the same year then a year later my best friend got diagnosed with melanoma and she just recently died :(
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Re: lpool rants about why he has been hostile and says he is sorry.

Post by lpool1996moh on Sat Jul 13, 2013 12:00 pm

that sucks ass dragon. a friend of mine died.......well shit four years ago now. we still ain't sure if it was suicide or not.....and 3 in one year.....man. alot of my relatives are sick right now so theres more to come

developments. my dad came home today. he's a broken man. he ain't all there. but he is more docile.

i will have to carry the coffin and i may be doing a reading.........fuck. i'm atheist how does that work?ah well.it has to be done.
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Re: lpool rants about why he has been hostile and says he is sorry.

Post by Thirty3Three on Sat Jul 13, 2013 2:09 pm

lpool, I just read through all of that, and I cannot even begin to express my sorry I am for all of those things that happened to you.

I've gone through 4 years where my best friends kept dying; dropping like flies. Within the last four years, may 9 best friends all passed away. My age, too. Either from suicide or car accidents, etc. I have no grandparents left, but the last one passed away in '10.

But my point is, I know I'll never fully understand how you're feeling, as everyone deals with grief differently, but I'll sure as hell be right here, to lend an ear if you need anyone to talk to.

Stay strong, friend!
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Re: lpool rants about why he has been hostile and says he is sorry.

Post by lpool1996moh on Wed Jul 17, 2013 9:53 pm

Last bump I hope. Buried her yesterday. Carrying the coffin was hard, especially the first time. We only had four people out of the recommended six. And the small "slightly under six foot guys" up front took all the weight. my dad and me. I also had an emmotional break down carrying her...you would think when I went to see here in the funeral home or when I saw the coffin closed up (first time for each) I would break. Nope just when I can injure 3 other people and defile her remains. I did the reading in the church...I got the long one. Legs shaking,10 am,speaking to a church of people and the parish radio (i'm an atheist raised Roman Catholic)....not fun. yet on the way out carrying we had seven people. The got lost on way to shops. Horribleday but had banter with cousins. Conversation went from girls to school to fighting games....wah? 

Either way alls that's left is financial ramifications...my freezer is empty and we are broke..ima just gonna watch animated movies (mostly pixar with wir and httyd) and forget it all.
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Re: lpool rants about why he has been hostile and says he is sorry.

Post by Thirty3Three on Thu Jul 18, 2013 9:02 am

lpool1996moh wrote:Last bump I hope. Buried her yesterday. Carrying the coffin was hard, especially the first time. We only had four people out of the recommended six. And the small "slightly under six foot guys" up front took all the weight. my dad and me. I also had an emmotional break down carrying her...you would think when I went to see here in the funeral home or when I saw the coffin closed up (first time for each) I would break. Nope just when I can injure 3 other people and defile her remains. I did the reading in the church...I got the long one. Legs shaking,10 am,speaking to a church of people and the parish radio (i'm an atheist raised Roman Catholic)....not fun. yet on the way out carrying we had seven people. The got lost on way to shops. Horribleday but had banter with cousins. Conversation went from girls to school to fighting games....wah? 

Either way alls that's left is financial ramifications...my freezer is empty and we are broke..ima just gonna watch animated movies (mostly pixar with wir and httyd) and forget it all.

 I'm sorry to hear about your rough day. I cannot image that! I'm really sorry for you, man. Tell ya what! Curl up in your bed, drink some hot chocolate/cocoa, and watch Disney movies all night. It'll really help!
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Re: lpool rants about why he has been hostile and says he is sorry.

Post by Count Mario on Thu Jul 18, 2013 9:18 am

All I can really say at this point is that I give you my condolences. There must've been a variety of emotions you went through yesterday. And I'm an agnostic/atheist raised Catholic, so I feel you there. And you'd be amazed by where conversations can take you during tough times with family, believe me. I hope that your financial situation won't be permanent. No matter what happens, make sure that you still stay yourself. That's all the (virtually worthless) advice I can give you.

Wreck-It Ralph isn't Pixar, by the way. Sorry, just wanted to bring that up.
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Re: lpool rants about why he has been hostile and says he is sorry.

Post by lpool1996moh on Thu Jul 18, 2013 9:30 am

Neither is httyd. as I said they are the only pixar esque movies around that well aren't pixar. I'm not dumb YAY 

But it should be okay in 2 or 3 weeks.
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Re: lpool rants about why he has been hostile and says he is sorry.

Post by Count Mario on Thu Jul 18, 2013 9:38 am

Oh, so you were saying those names in order to distinguish them... XD

And... you used a smiley... Something is wrong here.



Seriously though, I don't mean to be that guy, but two-three weeks is two-three weeks. And that's just an assumption. I'm glad to see that you're apparently not being hysterical, but take care of yourself. As obvious as that is.
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