WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

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WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by Thirty3Three on Thu Apr 25, 2013 3:50 am

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique.
It seems my ss-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling.

Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with somepaper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I
thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there
and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally
reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.

As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks.

Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't
enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad.

Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends-DON'T SHAVE YOUR ARSE-HAIR!
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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by DP on Thu Apr 25, 2013 7:15 am

I was VERY confused when I saw "ss-hair" and I thought this was about you going Super Saiyan with your ass. Good thing I figured it out quickly.
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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by Pyro-Hem on Thu Apr 25, 2013 11:42 am

Da Fuq did I just read?
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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by King_Tetiro on Thu Apr 25, 2013 1:03 pm

Pyro-Hem wrote:Da Fuq did I just read?

I dunno, but it broke my 2 week silence from the forums. Da Fuq?
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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by lpool1996moh on Thu Apr 25, 2013 1:30 pm

There is something fundamentally wrong with you 333. You just act on impulse don't you. THINK MORE!

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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by 0CTAVE on Thu Apr 25, 2013 1:38 pm

WHAT....THE....FUCK....

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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by lpool1996moh on Thu Apr 25, 2013 1:49 pm

Wait a minute...333, you know your only ment to do this as prep for anal sex right? And only if you record it. And your taking.

As decreed by the mighty and blessed woody harlson "man was not ment to shave anywhere bar his face, women should shave everywhere as respect for mans vow of shaving temperance" (disclaimer not actually woody harlson quote)

therefore 333 I'm sorry


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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by Chaosdreams on Thu Apr 25, 2013 2:10 pm

Stopped reading after a few lines.

what I have never been intrigued by stories relating to fart, poop or a males ass.
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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by King_Tetiro on Thu Apr 25, 2013 2:46 pm

lpool1996moh wrote:Wait a minute...333, you know your only ment to do this as prep for anal sex right? And only if you record it. And your taking.

As decreed by the mighty and blessed woody harlson "man was not ment to shave anywhere bar his face, women should shave everywhere as respect for mans vow of shaving temperance" (disclaimer not actually woody harlson quote)

therefore 333 I'm sorry

Dude, even anal sex doesn't revolve shaving your ass. Trust me I know!

333, I just finished the paperwork. Your man card has been officially revoked
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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by lpool1996moh on Thu Apr 25, 2013 3:47 pm

okay. 333 your just weird.
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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by I-Dentity- on Thu Apr 25, 2013 7:02 pm

Well that's an interesting story... what
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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by Count Mario on Thu Apr 25, 2013 7:47 pm

...You know, as much as I'd love to join the crowd here of people who are disgusted by this and repulsed by this thread, I'll admit it. I actually did the exact thing Triple Three did last weekend (and once before) because even for a guy that just turned fifteen, the hairs on my, *ahem*, behind were annoying the hell out of me. So yeah, what he described in his first four paragraphs happened to me.

But in no way in hell did I ever experience anything that he described past that fourth paragraph. Now that what I just read was just absolutely repulsive lol. Worst I've gotten is a bad itch whenever I walk for the first two-three days after I'd shave. That is pretty much it.

So now that I've built up the courage to relate to this hollow shell of a man, I shall vanish from sight using my newfound invisible ability. Farewell.
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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by lpool1996moh on Thu Apr 25, 2013 8:42 pm

Count Mario wrote:...You know, as much as I'd love to join the crowd here of people who are disgusted by this and repulsed by this thread, I'll admit it. I actually did the exact thing Triple Three did last weekend (and once before) because even for a guy that just turned fifteen, the hairs on my, *ahem*, behind were annoying the hell out of me. So yeah, what he described in his first four paragraphs happened to me.

But in no way in hell did I ever experience anything that he described past that fourth paragraph. Now that what I just read was just absolutely repulsive lol. Worst I've gotten is a bad itch whenever I walk for the first two-three days after I'd shave. That is pretty much it.

So now that I've built up the courage to relate to this hollow shell of a man, I shall vanish from sight using my newfound invisible ability. Farewell.

See post #7 apply it to you.
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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by Count Mario on Thu Apr 25, 2013 9:00 pm

It's not my fault you never hit puberty.
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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by lpool1996moh on Thu Apr 25, 2013 9:07 pm

Oh I have ass hair. I just live with it. Like a man.
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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by Thirty3Three on Thu Apr 25, 2013 9:28 pm

HAHAHAH

http://forum.ebaumsworld.com/archive/index.php/t-49710.html

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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by DP on Thu Apr 25, 2013 9:32 pm

lpool1996moh wrote:Oh I have ass hair. I just live with it. Like a man.
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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by Count Mario on Thu Apr 25, 2013 9:38 pm

Well I'm glad that you're content to living with having-you know what, I don't even know where I'm even going with this lol. Point is, it was annoying, I was tired of having to deal with my defecate getting stuck on them and getting in knots, and it was time that I took the initiative. Or should I say... that I accepted the call of doody.



Well, that pun was probably the only good thing that came out of this thread. what
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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by god-of-paradise on Thu Apr 25, 2013 9:43 pm

No Comment

XD
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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by Izar on Thu Apr 25, 2013 10:07 pm

I get ass waxin its fun
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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by BladedgeX on Thu Apr 25, 2013 10:08 pm

Chaosdreams wrote:Stopped reading after a few lines.
Woooord. After I read, "ss-hairs," I was done for the day.
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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by Jechtsphere on Thu Apr 25, 2013 10:56 pm

Note to the internet no one wants to know the sick things you do when your all alone! lol shock
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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by Shadowbhiemes on Fri Apr 26, 2013 5:42 pm

I shave my ass hair all the time and I have no problem with it.
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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by NXavier787 on Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:10 pm

T-...
Triple Threat...

...
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Re: WORST DECISION OF MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!!

Post by Celtics_fan23 on Mon Apr 29, 2013 5:46 pm

Soooooo....... How about that weather
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